"Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it."
-George Carlin
It's the end of week 4 and much to my astonishment, feelings of homesickness for the U.S. are starting to set in. I'm surprised because not only do I enjoy traveling and the discovery that comes with it, but more importantly, as you may know, I am oftentimes...lacking in love for the United States, if you will. I take up issue with our materialism, cell phone addictions, workaholism, our need for productivity to feel a sense of worth, and the sheltering bubble too many of us live in and are contented with. I could go on, but I'll stop there because my intention for this blog is not to present a list of grievances.
On the contrary, I find myself uncomfortably attached to my life in the states. I'm trying to just take in all that I'm feeling without judgment but to be honest, I'm disappointed that I'm struggling so much with my time abroad. I would love to be able to say I feel free and ready to conquer the world with no looking back. But instead I'm confused and wondering what this means for my future. Am I not fit for a life abroad like I thought I was? Will my attachments send me running home and away from what I thought I wanted? Or will I awaken in a few days with a newfound sense of security and adventure, open to any and all opportunities ahead? These feelings of uncertainty have the ability and power to drive a person loco (and we all know I've been off my rocker for awhile, so it'll be interesting to see what's in store for me!).
Anyway, I've got nothing but questions at the moment and the hope that all will be made clear in due time. Until then, I will breathe deeply and take in everything as it comes.
So, I don't mean to blow up your blog or dismiss what you're feeling, but I wanted you to know that I felt exactly the same way when I went on my trip last summer. I was so pumped to be abroad and get a taste of what living away from home, internationally, felt like, and I quickly realized that I didn't like it. I struggled my entire trip with forcing myself to enjoy what I was experiencing and not wish I was home, but there were more times than I am comfortable admitting where I just wanted to go home. And logically I knew that home wasn't that exciting, and that where I was and the people I was with were infinitely more extraordinary than home life, but I still counted the days. It made me question myself the same way you are doing. I wish I could tell you that I got passed it and stopped being homesick, but that didn't happen. I still struggle with the idea of living abroad, and knowing what I'm leaving behind. Maybe its our age, and with time and some more maturity we'll be able to do what we dream without being hampered by thoughts of home, but who knows. I just wanted you to know that its not unusual, and you shouldn't be disappointed in yourself. It's really hard. Love you, keep it up, you're doing amazing.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much for saying this, it definitely helps to know I'm not the only one who experiences these types of feelings when we were pretty sure we'd feel something quite different. i guess it's just a humbling reminder that we never fully know ourselves and have to therefore expect the unexpected. Love you too, and thanks for everything!
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